The only explanation is LOVE

I imagine that being a parent is the closest things I may experience to being bi-polar.

Being just past 18 months in, our wee baby is growing like a weed but doesn't talk. We communicate through sign language and a series of grunts. Well, she does, we talk to her but I guess she doesn't have anything to say yet. Now that i think about it some more, i'm told that i was the same way. This makes thing particularly frustrating though. Because she doesn't talk, she whines a WHOLE lot to express her displeasure. This seems to happen quicker and quicker over the past couple of months. We go from nice and calm to literal weeping, wailing and the gnashing of teeth, with some good ol' throwing ones self on the floor for good measure. We entered the "terrible two's" at 16 months. Boundaries are tested along with our patience. And when you have sprinted far past where you assumed your breaking point was, you magically do something random and she's all smiles and giggles, and the only thought that occupies my mind is "THAT is not remotely near fair".  How can you spend the last three hours as a noise, flailing mess and just be the happiest ray of sunshine to ever exist  who's meer presence brings sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns? I was set in my anger and bordering on resentment, and you've ruined it all. HOW? The sleep deprivation, the loss of disposable income, the loss of time is now all meaning less because you are happy. A drop of love does truly ruin a whole cauldron of hate. 

The problem is that whatever does make her suddenly happy, changes frequently. Now for some of you older people, there are these things called "VIDEO GAMES". And in these games, you are trying to accomplish something, a goal, usually by completing a series of tasks or puzzles. At some point, they will introduce the mechanics of how to operate the puzzles. Now there are some frustrating games that intruduce these puzzles to you and make a big deal out of them, and just when you've mastered them, they throw those out and give you new ones that you have no context for. Welcome to parenting. So we go from having set routines to regressing to needing a bottle before bed or there is just no peace in our valley. Then that's not needed and now its a specific blanket. Next week let's forget the blanket and now I need to have a soother in my mouth and one in each hand. I can only guess what it's going to be next week. 

One hears the careless talk of others who have not been there and not done that. Parentes should be licensed, they should have to take a class, if i was in there shoes i'd... I've been doing my 10K race in parenting shoes, do a warm up lap before you get both feet in your mouth. People can't cope as well as others, especially in single parent homes. This is not an easy job. So if you have a concern about how someone is raising their kids, offer to help rather than heaping more bagage on them please.

That was a little off topic. Anyways, it's the oddest feeling holding your kid who's been conducting psychological warfare operations on you and your wife for the past 18hours and when she's suddenly happy, the past no longer matters as you bathe in the light of that happiness. You learn in the Bible that there are different types of love. Never has that point been driven home more clearly than it is in these times. Love is the only reason for it, and by the Grace of God am I blessed enough to understand it.

I don't have the answers, but I serve the one that does

- Just a Sheepdog

Evil exists

I’ve thought VERY long about this and debated with myself over this, but I am still compelled. One day something like this is going to happen again and my daughter is going to ask me to explain something similar.

July 19^th I was at a drive in theatre with a very good friend watching a double feature of “The Dark Knight” and the “The Dark Knight Rises”. We had a wonderful time. The morning of July 20^th as I checked the news, we were all greeted with the news of a shooting in Aurora Colorado? As of now, 12 were murdered with a further 58 wounded. Facts are now readily available. There has since been another “mass” shooting in Oak Creek Wisconsin at a Sikh Temple, where a white supremacist shot and killed 6 people before taking his own life when confronted by police.

Before we go further, I want to express my condolences for the murdered and wounded and their families. I have and continue to pray that God brings you comfort during this trial. Secondly, I do not want to turn this into a firearm rights debate.

Evil exists

I have now been in the private security business for over 10 years; you will never be able to guess why someone has done something. Even when I have the perpetrator secured and interview them, their reasons are their own and often make sense to them and them alone. Theft is easy enough to understand, I’m talking about stalking, un-provoked assaults, falsely accusing someone of a sexual assault etc, etc.

In this instance, the murder committed acts of evil. His actions were premeditated. We must not excuse it, we must not try to make sense of it. There was a method to his madness and we need to focus on the madness and not his method. This individual chose to use firearms; there were many, MANY other ways this could have gone down. Banning firearms would not have prevented this. The UK and Australia have been trying that for years and shootings are an epidemic. Passing laws prevent nothing. A law is a vapor that does not exist unless someone is standing with a big stick in your immediate area ready to enforce it. Do not mistake me, laws are extremely important and should be adhered to, however, they prevent nothing. A determined individual will acquire what they want and find a way to carry out what they want to do. The last 20+ years and countless millions of dollars fighting the “War on Drugs” have proven that, people will find a way to get what they want / to do what they want. Prohibition in the US is another example of the fact that we cannot legislate morals or behavior. There are currently mass stabbings happening in China. Look into the “Akihabara Massacre” that took place in Japan. PEOPLE FIND A WAY. Firearms have sensationalized this incident.”Gun Crime” isn’t even in the top 20 of cause of death in the US. The top 10 from 10 – 1 are: Suicide, Various Kidney disease, Flu & pneumonia, Diabetes, Alzheimer’s, Accidents, Brain Disease, Lung Disease, Tumors, Heart Disease. Violence isn’t even close.

Evil must be confronted

It takes very few people to ruing something; in this case it took one. It takes A LOT more good to overcome and make a difference, the problem is that the good side is losing this war due to attrition. Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn and Alex Teves. These three men doomed themselves by shielded their girlfriends, saving their lives.  “Intellectuals” today will want you to believe that there is no difference between men and women, when’s the last time a woman through herself in front of a bullet for her boyfriend or husband. These three did what I would have done. I’m not looking to start a he vs. she argument, just an observation. The argument has been made that if someone in the theatre was a concealed carry permit holder and legally carried a firearm, if they engaged the murderer it wouldn’t have made a difference due to his body armor. We don’t know that. While premeditated, this individual was rushed and sloppy. In the smoke and the “fog of war” we don’t know his mental state and how he would have reacted to meeting resistance instead of just slaughtering sheep. A responsible, armed, sheepdog might have gotten through his armor or through a break in it. It might have saved lives and injuries, it may have made him turn and run when met with resistance or it may have gotten them killed. I don’t know, but it would have been different. The Aurora shooter may have reacted similarly to the Oak Creek shooter, where when confronted with force in kind, he may have taken his own life, or at least stopped sooner. There have been a number of incidents in the US where concealed carry holders have intervened and stopped robberies / assaults in their tracks.  What you probably haven’t heard on the news is the instances where thugs like these were stopped cold in their tracks by responsible armed citizens. Like the 71 year old man who stopped 2 armed robbers at an internet café in Florida, or the 65 year old grandmother who stopped 5 men from robbing her jewelry store in California.

Society has grown soft and complacent.

It’s sad that people want to numb themselves with bad tv, bad food and pass their responsibilities off on to others. What’s more sad is that the reaction to these events is best explained by the individual the Aurora shooter wanted to emulate:

I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds! 

-          “The Joker” from The Dark Knight, 2008

Nobody cares or takes up protest signs when soldiers are dying for no real reason. Nobody really cares that gang members are killing each other. We decry the means of tragedy but not the root cause. To an extent it’s how we treat all crime. People on the left side of the political spectrum would have you believe that an intimate object like a firearm or a knife influences people into committing horrid acts. These are the same folks that would have us believe that poverty causes crime. Both are incredibly flawed arguments on cause and effect. We want to believe that we have earned easy, trouble free lives that we should be able to live any way we want. This is the prevalent attitude and look where we are. We have rejected God and replaced His perfect law with feelings. We spend countless dollars on looking for life on other worlds, looking for a single cell as proof of other beings in the universe. However we celebrate that we can kill our own children before and (now) after birth. BUT that’s ok, it’s part of the plan. I don’t want to take responsibility for having sex and having a kid (the product of such an activity) would really cut into my sitting around time, I have to watch the Kardashian’s push their newest endorsement on me. It makes me sick.

in the end, the only things we have control over what we say, what we do and how we react to 

tragedy. I implore you to wait for actual facts after any event, and not what our 24/7 news cycle tries to fill its programming schedule with. ABC tried to tie the Aurora shooter with the Tea Party movement in the states, that was not factual. Another news agency said that the Aurora shooters mother stated “you’ve got the right guy” when asked if he was the shooter. Another fabrication, She answered the phone at 3am and said “you’ve got the right house” when asked if she was his mother. The number of shooters and the firearms used were widely misrepresented in the Oak Creek temple shooting. As a society we think ourselves “evolved” because we no longer execute murders and other degenerates for their actions. Will someone please tell me why the Earth is a better place if we keep the Aurora shooter alive? While he get’s three meals a day, medical, dental, shelter and all sorts of other amenities, how does this repair what he has done to his victims and their families? Do not let evil exist among you. It’s a mockery of the word Justice that this individual was not executed within a week of his capture. You can’t argue that he might be innocent and that we “don’t know for sure”. He was caught in the act.

I fear I may start to ramble if I continue this. One can’t help but feel passionate, or at least I can’t. So many thoughts come to mind it’s hard to order them into constructive conversation without jumping around.

I want my daughter to know that these will happen in the future. Life is tragic and after tragedy people ask “why would a loving God allow this to happen?” We have rejected God and spat in His face. I know my sins, my list is great, and our surprise should come when good things happen to any of us. This is the amazing part of God’s grace that He extends through us by Christ’s actions on the cross. Grace: God’s Rewards At Christ Expense. Salvation, forgiveness and mercy cannot be earned but they are freely given to us if we shun our own greed, pride and inequity and acknowledge Christ is the son of God. When we have such hope and amazing things waiting for us, what have we to fear from lone nut jobs such as these? I never thought I would, but I find myself praying for the Lord to take us up quickly so that this madness will end.

That being said. We cannot let fear be the prevailing force in our life. Christ came that we may have life more abundant, a life filled with joy. This joy surpasses understanding and brings peace in tragedy.  This is why I keep on about the sheepdog concept so much, in tragedy prepared person can bring hope and joy to the trampled and wounded. A wounded and bleeding person needs bandages as much as they need the bible. The cold need blankets, the lost need a map, the hungry need food. The poor and wounded will always be with us Jesus says, it's best to look after their Earthly needs in tandem with their eternal needs.

Who knows? We shall see...

Having just posted a short entry, the words start to come it seems.

An acquaintance of mine has 3 children. The oldest of which has been making, shall we say, “poor life choices” lately. His actions contradict what he says he wants his life goals to be. Very recently this young man was attacked and hospitalized while at a party in the wee hours of the morning.  

And as one does I reflect on how I would be in this man’s shoes with a kid who was making stupid choices and now hospitalized. I have two words of wisdom, one from my father-in-law and one from my dad. The advice from the former being “Nothing good happens out of bed after midnight”, the later being “we choose the price we pay”. I am very thankful to God that this young man has not lost his life do to his choices and I have prayed that he will learn something from them. While I don’t know the exact circumstances of what happened, this young man choose to be at a party he probably shouldn’t have been at and his actions most likely contributed to his injuries, I don’t believe he was rolled for his wallet during a party.

While I never wish harm on anyone (that isn’t a child predator or abuser of women) and have no wish to commit violent acts myself, I do miss the time when two guys had a “disagreement” over something they could take it outside and deal with it and not have to worry about the other guys “boys” jumping him from behind or having the disagreement escalate to edged weapons or being shot.

I remember my own school days when a new kid came into our class after being expelled from another school and started picking on me. To my credit (and the credit of a proper upbringing) I didn’t engage him in his behavior. “Mike” wouldn’t let it go and made it his mission to illicit some type of response I guess, he only really knows why he was doing it. One rainy lunch period in our unsupervised classroom, he finally got a response from me and I threw him across half the class into a wall. Before I knew what I was doing I was upon him, with the scruff of his collar in my left hand and an immediate response to further hostility in my right. I told him that whatever problem we had between us was finished and I resumed my drawing (as I did more of that then actual school work). We were then the best of friends for the rest of the school year. This is how guys deal with things, or at least, how we used to deal with things before we gave our personal responsibility and liberty over to our protectionist culture.

So I sit wondering how to tell my acquaintance that I am praying for him and his family, and I can’t write the words “I’m glad he’s ok”. Another story from my dad comes into my mind, it’s an old Chinese parable that I’m going to leave you with, I then hope you know why I just let him know that all I could write to him was “I’m praying for you and your family”

A farmer’s horse runs away, and while he is out looking for his horse the farmer comes across his neighbor and says “it’s too bad that your horse ran away”. The farmer replies “who knows? We shall see”. The next day the horse shows back up and the neighbor says to the farmer “that’s great! Your horse came back” and the farmer replies “Who knows? We shall see.” The next day the farmer’s son is riding the same horse and gets thrown from it, breaking his arm. Once the boy is attended to and resting, the neighbor says to the farmer, “that’s too bad about your boy” and the farmer responds “Who knows? We shall see.” Later that week the province that the farmer is living in goes to war against the next province over and the farmer’s son cannot serve in the military because his arm is broken. The neighbor comes over and says to the farmer “That’s great news that your son doesn’t have to go fight!” and the farmer replies “Who knows? We shall see.”

Only God knows the end game and he uses us in ways that we often don’t foresee and will probably never know in what way we influence those around us. Good can be used for bad and bad can be used for good.

But who knows? Not me, I’m just a humble sheepdog trying to protect what members of the flock that I can. 

grab bag of thougts

Between work and being a husband and father and home owner, much has been on my mind as of late, with little time to commit it to "paper". I have a few things I want to write about, but not able to focus on one topic. So I’m going to take a shotgun approach to tonight’s post and just hit bullet points on some topics I’ve been rolling around in my mind and will probably expand on later.

What’s the line between providing for my wife and kid and spoiling / ruining them?

·        I am raising an adult, not a child. She’ll be an adult a lot longer than being my baby girl (Lord willing)

·        My own sin has made me fat and lazy over the last number of years. I'm starting to  overcome it now, how do i stop her from making my same mistakes?

·        How do I teach her how to be responsible for her own happiness and not dependant on stuff?

·        How do I teach her how to use anger properly? Christ used it without being rash to clear the temple…

·        Feminism and the modern woman vs scripture and the benefits of the traditional family, all that vs. today’s disaster that are families and the education system.

So, if any of that looks interesting to you or have points of your own, let me know. Her smiles and laughter can snap me out of the deepest funks, and I feel the weight of my responsibility to not screw her up. On her wedding day, my wife and I want to look her husband in the eye, shake his hand and say “You’re welcome” and walk away. But know this sweetie, one call and your room is always ready.

Love your “Sheepdog” dad.

small revelations

Being a parent changes you. You don’t expect what those changes are though.  There is no joy on this earth that can compare with holding your smiling baby.  And that’s just what I was doing last week when I had a revelation. This is how God sees us. I’m looking down at the Wee Baby Aeryn and I see how God sees me. I hold her when she’s happy and just bask in her innocence. I hold her when she’s upset and try to comfort her. She doesn't understand what I’m doing to help her, she flails and squirms and cries trying to get away. I can’t explain simple things to her like how to blow her nose, so I help her as best I can while she fights me to try and take away her discomfort.  She will look at me with huge tear filled eyes asking “Why are you doing this to me?” and she doesn’t understand my response. How will her “difficult” years be on me? Will she see me trying to ruin her life or will she understand what I am trying to instill in her to spare her pain and misery later?

How much more is that with God? He tries to explain to us why His way is better than ours and all we do is kick and flail and pout and cry trying to live our lives with a ton of crap on our faces, rejecting his helping, cleansing hand. He doesn’t want us to live restricted lives; God wants us to flee inequity to simplify us, so that we have a life worth living. 

I could hold my baby all day long. How much more I now look forward to heaven, to be in His presence and just enjoy our Father as I imagine Aeryn enjoys just being held be me. Love is amazing and I firmly believe we don’t know even the half of what it actually is.  

Liar

Things have been rough lately. Teething and colds and sleepless nights filled with the high pitched shrieking of a baby girl who can’t be consoled. Ah, parenthood. I’m blessed to have an amazing partner and wife to help tackle this with, I have all the compassion in the world for people who have to tackle this on their own and don’t screw up their kids.

Over the years, I have implored women who are not yet married to listen to or watch the music video for a song titled “Liar” by Henry Rollins. It’s presented below in all its 1990’s-lisious-ness for your viewing pleasure, but we’ll get to it in a minute. Being a sheepdog isn’t just about having the right gear to be able to render first aid, survive prolonged power outages or being able to defend one’s self from harm. A large part of it is to look after the emotional and spiritual well being of those in your care. Wife, children, other family and friends etc… The unfortunate truth of the matter is that women can make easy targets, not only for theft or physical harm but also emotional harm as well. There are too many stories (both in the news or personally related to me) of women who are manipulated into situations that do not end well for them. This is something that I have to prepare my daughter, and possible future daughters for.

Why do I tell women to listen to the song? It’s not for its enjoyment during a relaxing evening. I suggest it because Henry hates the same weakness in men that I do. It takes more strength to be a stand up guy than it is to be a scum bag

The Video in question

Oh, the 90’s. So let’s break down the lyrics to find the golden truth of the matter, buried under bad superman costumes and red body paint, to what I want to impart to my wee one.

“you think you're gonna to live your life alone in darkness and seclusion. yeah I know. you've been out there, tried to mix with those animals and it just left you full of humiliated confusion. so you stagger back home and wait for nothing but the solitary refinement of your room spits you back out onto the street and now you're desperate and in need of human contact.”

The “dating scene” sucks, the prospect of walking through life alone sucks more. The more time you spend alone, the more you worry about it and are ready to grab any lifeline someone throws at you. You’re loneliness is going to play mind games with you and cover up your flaws and the flaws of those you meet.

“and then you meet me and you whole world changes because everything I say is everything you've ever wanted to hear. so you drop all your defenses and you drop all your fears and you trust me completely. I'm perfect in every way cause I make you feel so strong and so powerful inside you feel so lucky but your ego obscures reality and you never bother to wonder why things are going so well.”

We can’t help but love it when people pay attention to us. Eye contact and a nice smile have caused more harm than we may ever know. A little attention goes a long way. But that’s how the wolves operate these days. Gone is the massive, aggressive conquering army at our gates, and now comes the manipulators conmen who erode us from within. Erode us to a point that when the real problems come, we either don’t see the danger or are too weak to deal with it. Our own need for companionship can work in much the same way. Our need to be wanted, loved, blinds us to what we need to be looking for. Someone who walks in our same faith. Putting our Lord first, sharing our values and beliefs. I’ll freely admit that I have perused the wrong people in the past because I thought I knew better about what I needed. These are lessons learned about the difference between want and need and I am eternally grateful to God that my plans NEVER work out and His path for me is so much more then my pitiful machinations. Vigilence is needed always. How many women are in very dire situations because they got in deep with someone who now owns them? Either their body or soul or both. The guy never starts out hitting you or tearing you down. They work up to it, get you dependant, breaking you down so you think you can’t survive without them. Why would anyone else want you? These wolf (expletive deleted) use your own self doubts against you so you don’t mind a black eye now and again, why? Because you made that mistake, and he’d really a nice guy who would normally never do this, he just had a little too much.

“you wanna know why? cause I'm a liar, yeah I'm a liar. I'll tear your mind out, I'll burn your soul. I'll turn you into me, I'll turn you into me, cause I'm a liar”

When you start justifying his abuse, he does turn you into a liar. He brings you down and kills you inside

“I'll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes. and I'll tell you things that you already know so you can say I really identify with you, so much. and all the time that you're needing me is just the time that I'm bleeding you. don't you get it yet? I'll come to you like an affliction and I'll leave you like an addiction you'll never forget me you wanna know why? cause I'm a liar”

I could go on about things looking to good to be true and gift horses mouths but the fact remains that due diligence is needed. One of my most used quotes was spoken by former US President Ronald Regan as he spoke about the Soviet Union “Trust, but verify”. Very wise words.  That guy your seeing who keeps looking at women when he thinks you’re not looking? He probably didn’t go to school with them like he says he did. They’ll be quick with kind words, excuses and justifications. Use cheap tricks like a “medium” to convince you that you share values and morals. There is nothing wrong with fact checking. It’s better and easier to get through the pain of a break up then it is with the years of an abusive relationship. In Canada, stats say that it takes the average woman seven (SEVEN) attempts to break up with an abusive partner successfully. If things aren’t adding up early, get out. Their actions should ALWAYS speak louder than their soothing words.

“I don't know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain. maybe it's something inside maybe it's something I can't explain cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you. I'm a liar”

This is the easy part. These people (I’ll include women in this, men don’t carry all the blame for disastrous relationships) are not right with God. Living healthy plants bare good fruit, dead ones don’t. It’s a pretty simple test. You HAVE to beware of wolves masquerading as sheep in the church, there are no shortage of them.

“if you'll give me one more chance, I swear that I will never lie to you again, because now I see the destructive power of a lie. they're stronger than truth. I can't believe I ever hurt you, I swear. I will never to you lie again, please, just give me one more chance. I will never lie to you again. I swear that I will never tell a lie. I will never tell a lie no, no. ha ha ha ha ha hah haa haa haa haaa sucker! sucker! oh, sucker I am a liar yeah, I am a liar yeah I like it I feel good ohh I am a lia.r I lie yeah, I like it. I feel good. I'll lie again and again I'll lie again and again and I'll keep lying I promise”

Here’s the part I still struggle with. Forgiving and forgetting. It’s very hard because you (well, at least I) can never be 100% sure of the sincerity of their repentance. As it stands right now, I’m a believer that twice is a coincidence and three times is a pattern. As always, try to learn to be anxious about nothing and pray about everything.

Oh

And Trust but verify

Just a Sheepdog

Jesus was an only Son

Even if you don’t work for three months while on “Paternal Leave” that really doesn’t leave you much time for writing if you’ve got a wee one you’re looking after….

The above song doesn’t mean that Jesus was an only child. Mary and Joseph had other children after the birth of Christ. It refers to the fact that Jesus was alone on his walk up to his crucifixion.  He was abandoned by everyone but a very few of the faithful, about as useful as the lone voice crying out in the wilderness. He did nothing, but said nothing in his defense as he went to slaughter for us. So utterly alone for the first time ever, having even his Father God shun him for the sin He was about to take onto his shoulders for us.

This is another lesson for the wee baby Aeryn to learn one day.  There are going to be times were the right thing is going to be in front of you. To walk that narrow path is going to truly walk alone, the only others you encounter will give you nothing but scorn and mockery.  The question is not how far the road goes, but if you have the constitution, the depth of faith, to see it to where it goes.  Being white and a Christian (a true Christian, more on that later) is not popular. Read the book of Revelation, it is going to become even less popular (probably due to our own doing) and doing the right thing will make your stand out more and more.  Life is hard now, and it is not going to get easier. As the saying goes, the only easy day was yesterday. I pray for the wisdom to teach my daughter how to make the hard choices  and walk the hard narrow road.  To teach her discern the right from the wrong.  To not only to teach her the strength to defend herself physically but also the mental endurance to carry on through the hail storms of life.

Father God, please do not let my child walk alone. Please do not turn away from her as you did from your son while he was on the cross. I need your help not to fail, that her sin is so great you cannot look upon her. Give me the wisdom and endurance to walk the hard road in raising her, not to let the world do that job for me. I know that I am a workload of my own, give me larger shoulders so that I can not only better myself in your ways but also to shoulder the burden of my wife and child, for I know I will be held to account for how I lead them as well. Help me protect the sheep you have given me, help me protect them from the wolves.

In the precious name of your son and our Sheppard, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Just a Sheepdog